Oh. Freaking. Great.
The clowns are back.
That's what I thought after hearing about the local Halloween store reopening for the scary season.
Then I wondered. Is this going to be Year Two of Scary Clown Sightings?
My best guess is yes. There's just too much scary buzz about freaky clowns right now. And it's only August.
Bottom line: If you're scared of clowns, make 2017 the year you hide under a big fat rock. Or gravestone. Whatever. You get the idea.
Make it heavy and wait it out.
To double check my scary clown prediction, I checked out the local Spirit Halloween store.
(Online, obviously. I'm too lazy to drive to Seminole Towne Center in Sanford for Halloween stuff right now. Maybe after the clown threat subsides. For now, I'm just checking out the website.)
So, there they were. In all of their ghoulish glory.
Not one. Not two. Not three.
But a whole family of four -- Mom, Dad, brother and sister -- are decked out in matching scary clown duds.
Pointed teeth. Powered faces. Scary balloons. Yada Yada. You get the idea.
You're going to die a horrible death. And they're going to be laughing in your face as blood splatters everywhere. Gross.
It was only a year ago when we heard story after story about random sightings of evil clowns across the country.
"Clown hysteria has taken the country by storm, fueling both fear and fascination while prompting calls for calm from police departments and even from the master of horrors, Stephen King," Time magazine said in October.
King, of all people, joined the chorus of calm-downers. King! Really?
This is the guy whose rebooted, kid-killing clown Pennywise debuts in theaters September 8. (Next week!)
By then, we will have already been introduced to more evil clowns from American Horror Story: Cult, which begins at 10 p.m. September 5 p.m. on FX.
There's already been backlash from legit clowns just trying to make an honest living -- or as honest as you can get being a clown these days.
"It Movie Causing Legit Clowns to Lose Work," the Hollywood Reporter said in a headline Monday.
Thankfully, I don't have coulrophobia (an abnormal fear of clowns). So I checked out the Spirit Halloween website a little more.
Soon I discovered Grimsli the Great, the nearly $200, 6 1/2-foot animatronic who will be creeping in the woods while you sleep.
"He’s on the hunt to capture any unlucky bystander and turn them into his next freak show star," the website said. "He lurks behind the curtain, waiting for a chance to snatch the next performer. Legend has it he even sews their mouths shut with his bony claws so nobody can hear their screams.'
Lovely. Get yours while they last. Then lock everybody up and pray for sunrise Nov. 1 when it will all be over. You hope.